Written by Jafei Pollitt
BOSS
COOPER - frat boy energy
NANCY - anxious
BILL - loves drama
CARL - frat boy energy
STACY - sensible
MIKE - lumberjack
JACKET
INT. BOARD ROOM - DAY
COOPER, NANCY, BILL, CARL, and STACY are seated at a long, oval table in the board room. CARL and COOPER are silently laughing with each other over something on their phone. STACY is picking at her gum. NANCY is trying to not cry. BILL is watching NANCY try to not cry and getting annoyed. He just wants some god damn drama in this office.
BOSS enters through a glass door. Everyone comes to attention.
BOSS
Okay
(closing door)
Hello everyone! Thank you for making it to today's meeting.
NANCY
Are you firing one of us?
BOSS
No, Nancy. I wouldn’t just round you all up and then pick you off in front of each other.
BILL
But you could.
BOSS
Okay, good start. Can everyone open up their notes? I’d like to get this week's agenda up and running so I can get to my next meeting.
STACY
With who?
BOSS
Not your concern.
BILL
Is it with a rival?
BOSS
So, let’s talk about this new commercial/slogan I need you guys to be working on.
STACY
I’ve already been working on it.
BOSS
Great! Thank you Stacy!
BILL
(mumbling)
Bitch.
STACY
Really?
COOPER
What slogan/commercial/slash? What is slash?
BOSS
We have a new product on the line. It’s a sweater that detects your body temperature and heats up or cools down to keep you comfortable.
NANCY
Does it hurt people?
BOSS
I don’t think so.
BILL
But it could.
BOSS
If it malfunctions, I guess.
COOPER
Cool. Fire jacket. Let’s burn!
CARL
BURN BURN BURN!
BOSS
Everybody, please calm down.
BILL notices drama and joins in.
BILL
BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN-
Everyone is silent while they watch BILL get way to into chanting.
BILL stops. He sits.
BOSS
Right.
CARL
Mr. boss?
BOSS
It’s Mr. Bell, you should know my name, Carl.
CARL
Oh, okay. Mr. Bell Boss? I have a slogan/commercial idea ready.
BOSS
Sure. Go ahead.
CARL
So, it just kind of came to me. What if we had somebody on a mountain in the sweater and they were standing up there and they were all cool looking and stuff and then they started shouting “BURN FREEZE BURN FREEZE BURN FREEZE” over and over again and then the commercial ended?
BOSS
Um. Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
NANCY
You’re going to fire one of us.
BOSS
(rubbing his eyes)
Maybe, Nancy. Just maybe.
NANCY
I knew it!
BILL
(to BOSS)
You bitch!
STACY
Can we get back on track?
BOSS
Yes, thank you, Stacy. I need four ideas from all of you by the end of the week. Work together, I don’t care. But please have four, GOOD ideas by Friday at 12:00pm.
COOPER
That doesn’t give us all week.
BOSS
Hm?
COOPER
That gives us like four days and a couple of hours.
BILL
That’s not a whole week. That’s not fair, you’re being unfair! I want HR!
CARL
Wow, Cooper - you’re like really smart.
COOPER
I know.
STACY groans. NANCY starts to cry.
NANCY
I can’t take it anymore! I quit!
NANCY storms out of the board room in tears and shambles.
BOSS
Nancy!
BILL
YES!
CARL
I also have an idea, Mr. Boss Bell.
BOSS
Carl, you already pitched. Let’s give it some time before you go aga-
CARL
So, what if instead of a person it’s a raccoon-like a really cute one and he has a little jacket on and he’s on top of a mountain and he’s really cool and stuff and, yeah, he’s an animal, but he can also talk and stuff and so he’s on the mountain and it’s cold so his jacket is hot and then it lights on fire and he starts shouting.
BOSS
Please -
CARL
BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN! And then he burns to death.
Long beat.
COOPER
That sounds awesome.
BOSS
New plan. Cooper, Carl, and Bill -
BILL
Ooooo, here we gooooooo.
BOSS
You’re all fired, effective immediately.
CARL and COOPER high five.
COOPER/CARL
SERVANTS!
BOSS
You will not be receiving severance pay. You’ve only worked here for a week.
BOSS
Stacy? You’re in charge. Give me something and I’ll raise your pay.
BILL
UNFAIR! HR!
BOSS
Okay, good meeting everybody. I look forward to never seeing most of you again.
BOSS packs up his gear and leaves. BILL, COOPER, and CARL all get up to go.
COOPER/CARL
Bye, Mr. Stacy. It was nice meeting you.
STACY
Ms.
BILL
Bye.
BILL flips off STACY before they all exit. STACY sits alone.
STACY
Okay, let’s do this.
STACY starts vigorously writing and planning. Slow fade out.
INT. ROOM - NIGHT
A large alien stands in the middle of a dark room.
ALIEN
BEEP BOOP I AM COLD
A jacket drops down from the sky. The ALIEN drools a disgusting, purple liquid. He tries to put the jacket over his eleven limbs.
The jacket somehow manages to get on the ALIEN. It begins to turn on.
JACKET
Your current temperature is -00000.0000000000000001 Degrees. Would you like me to warm you up?
ALIEN
Beep Poop okayyyyyyy
The JACKET begins to heat up. Steam starts rising from the alien. It screeches terribly.
ALIEN
BEEP BOOP BURN BEEP BOOP BURN!
The alien vanishes under the jacket into a brown, chunky liquid.
The screen goes black and the slogan appears.
“THE NEW PEACH JACKET. KEEP YOURSELF WARM AND KEEP YOURSELF COOL BUT BE CAREFUL BECAUSE BURN BURN BURN!”
Slow blackout to elevator music.
INT. BOARD ROOM - DAY.
STACY presses end on the projector that was displaying the alien commercial.
STACY
(excited)
So?
BOSS sits dumbfounded.
STACY
I took some artistic liberties, I know.
BOSS
Mmhm.
They sit in silence.
BOSS
This is what you came up with?
STACY
Yes!
BOSS scratches their chin and closes their eyes.
BOSS
(coming to)
Okay, new plan. Everybody's fired.
END