INTERNAL


Written by Jafei Pollitt

MARY

ASPEN

EXT. WOODS - DAY


MARY and ASPEN sit beside a tree in the middle of the woods.


MARY

It must suck.


ASPEN

What?


MARY

To be named after a tree.


ASPEN

Oh yeah.


MARY

And the creepiest tree too.


ASPEN

Aspens aren’t that creepy.


MARY

They have eyes.


ASPEN

So do you.


MARY

And I’m really creepy.


ASPEN

I have eyes. Does that make me creepy?


MARY looks at ASPEN with a fake grin.


MARY

You’re more of an adult that looks like a child creepy.


ASPEN

Were you trying to spare my feelings?


MARY

No.


Mary fake grins. It looks almost painful.


ASPEN

Stop doing that


MARY

I’m showing sympathy


ASPEN

I’m not "kid creepy."


MARY

You’re not creepy towards kids.


ASPEN

I know!


MARY

You’re creepy to adults because you have babyface. A face that nobody wants touching them.


ASPEN

Wow.


MARY

And you’re name is Aspen.


ASPEN

Your name is Mary.


MARY

Yeah, I know. It’s super cliche.


ASPEN

It’s super creepy.


MARY

Stop.


ASPEN

You’re named after a fake virgin.


MARY

She wasn’t faking it.


ASPEN

She had a whole ass baby.


MARY

What if I were pregnant.


ASPEN

You’re not a virgin.


MARY

Yeah, but still.


ASPEN

Are you pregnant?


MARY

Ew, no. That would be too creepy.


ASPEN

It’s a beautiful thing.


MARY

You want to have a baby?


ASPEN

With you?


MARY

No. Do you want to be impregnated and grow a child in your stomach?


ASPEN

I can’t. I’m a man.


MARY

There’s a way to do it.


ASPEN

Stop.


MARY

I saw this guy once shove a whole, raw chicken up-


ASPEN

Stop.


MARY

Up his anal cavity.


ASPEN

Liar.


MARY

He threw up and the camera cut out, but I’m pretty sure he died.


ASPEN

That’s not giving birth.


MARY

But it kind of is. He died in reverse labor.


ASPEN

I have to pee.


MARY

Ew, that's-


ASPEN

Creepy I know.


ASPEN gets up and stomps off behind a tree. MARY picks at the grass.

MARY

(yelling)

I think I’m ready for a nose job.


ASPEN

(yelling back)

You don’t need a nose job.


MARY

Are you sure you don’t want to try the chicken thing?


ASPEN

No, please.


MARY picks at the grass. We hear ASPEN shuffling back.


ASPEN

Let’s go.


MARY

Why?


ASPEN

Because I’m hungry.


MARY

Hungry for?


ASPEN

Food.


MARY

You should think about changing your name to manbaby.


ASPEN helps MARY off the ground.


ASPEN

That’s worse than Aspen.


MARY and ASPEN begin to walk off.


MARY

No, because when people see your face and then hear your name they’ll be like, “Oh, he’s in on the joke.” And you won’t be creepy to adults.


ASPEN

I don’t have a babyface.


MARY

Do you have all your adult teeth?


ASPEN

I have most of them.


MARY

That’s suuuuper creepy.


END

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