Written by Jafei Pollitt
MARY
ASPEN
EXT. WOODS - DAY
MARY and ASPEN sit beside a tree in the middle of the woods.
MARY
It must suck.
ASPEN
What?
MARY
To be named after a tree.
ASPEN
Oh yeah.
MARY
And the creepiest tree too.
ASPEN
Aspens aren’t that creepy.
MARY
They have eyes.
ASPEN
So do you.
MARY
And I’m really creepy.
ASPEN
I have eyes. Does that make me creepy?
MARY looks at ASPEN with a fake grin.
MARY
You’re more of an adult that looks like a child creepy.
ASPEN
Were you trying to spare my feelings?
MARY
No.
Mary fake grins. It looks almost painful.
ASPEN
Stop doing that
MARY
I’m showing sympathy
ASPEN
I’m not "kid creepy."
MARY
You’re not creepy towards kids.
ASPEN
I know!
MARY
You’re creepy to adults because you have babyface. A face that nobody wants touching them.
ASPEN
Wow.
MARY
And you’re name is Aspen.
ASPEN
Your name is Mary.
MARY
Yeah, I know. It’s super cliche.
ASPEN
It’s super creepy.
MARY
Stop.
ASPEN
You’re named after a fake virgin.
MARY
She wasn’t faking it.
ASPEN
She had a whole ass baby.
MARY
What if I were pregnant.
ASPEN
You’re not a virgin.
MARY
Yeah, but still.
ASPEN
Are you pregnant?
MARY
Ew, no. That would be too creepy.
ASPEN
It’s a beautiful thing.
MARY
You want to have a baby?
ASPEN
With you?
MARY
No. Do you want to be impregnated and grow a child in your stomach?
ASPEN
I can’t. I’m a man.
MARY
There’s a way to do it.
ASPEN
Stop.
MARY
I saw this guy once shove a whole, raw chicken up-
ASPEN
Stop.
MARY
Up his anal cavity.
ASPEN
Liar.
MARY
He threw up and the camera cut out, but I’m pretty sure he died.
ASPEN
That’s not giving birth.
MARY
But it kind of is. He died in reverse labor.
ASPEN
I have to pee.
MARY
Ew, that's-
ASPEN
Creepy I know.
ASPEN gets up and stomps off behind a tree. MARY picks at the grass.
MARY
(yelling)
I think I’m ready for a nose job.
ASPEN
(yelling back)
You don’t need a nose job.
MARY
Are you sure you don’t want to try the chicken thing?
ASPEN
No, please.
MARY picks at the grass. We hear ASPEN shuffling back.
ASPEN
Let’s go.
MARY
Why?
ASPEN
Because I’m hungry.
MARY
Hungry for?
ASPEN
Food.
MARY
You should think about changing your name to manbaby.
ASPEN helps MARY off the ground.
ASPEN
That’s worse than Aspen.
MARY and ASPEN begin to walk off.
MARY
No, because when people see your face and then hear your name they’ll be like, “Oh, he’s in on the joke.” And you won’t be creepy to adults.
ASPEN
I don’t have a babyface.
MARY
Do you have all your adult teeth?
ASPEN
I have most of them.
MARY
That’s suuuuper creepy.
END