RUSTIC


JENINE

PATTY

MAX

INT. WORKSHOP - DAY


JENINE and PATTY are standing in their workshop filled with trinkets and craft supplies from Hobby Lobby.


In front of them is a table and MAX laying on the table. He is passed out and maybe dead. They are filming a youtube video.


JENINE

Hi you guys!


PATTY

Welcome back to another episode of Workshop wonders.


JENINE

We’ve been getting so many questions about this topic so we finally decided to do it. How to properly dress your husband for his funeral!


PATTY

Today, we’ve got my husband, Max, who we have lightly sedated in order to give you the real experience of what it’s like to dress your dead husband.


JENINE

Of course, Max is only about 48, but he’s got high cholesterol.


PATTY

That’s right, Jenine. He’ll be gone before we know it! Today, we’re going with a rustic theme. My husband absolutely hates it and that is why he is heavily sedated.


JENINE

Lightly.


PATTY

I mean lightly sedated.


JENINE

We picked up some perfect flannel clothe from the craft store for three dollars.


PATTY

A STEAL.


JENINE

And we’re going to be placing it on the parts of Max that I find the least attractive.


JENINE places the clothe over Max’s face. And then cuts out a little corner for both of his nipples. PATTY looks at JENINE concerned.


JENINE

They’re just too pointy.


PATTY

Next, we’re looking at the wardrobe. Let’s start with the pants.


JENINE

So, for the pants, I found this rusted metal in the back of an alley that I thought looked darling.


JENINE pulls out a giant sheet of rusted metal. Tetanus is written all over it.


PATTY

Has that beautiful, rustic copper touch.


JENINE

Now, normally, you don’t wear metal for pants.


PATTY

It’s absurd


JENINE

Right, but I like to think outside the box and Max is also late on his tetanus shot I told him to get last year so if he wants to gamble with the disease, then, by all means, I’m not going to hold him back.


JENINE starts trying to mold the metal around his legs.


PATTY

I think you cut him a little.


JENINE

Good.

(Beat.)

Next, we need to decorate the midsection a little.


PATTY

Oo! Yes, I got this wonderful, burnt orange bow to tie around the waist. A perfect accent to pair with the intense belly fat peaking under the shirt.


JENINE slaps MAX’s stomach.


JENINE

Put her there.


PATTY

Um, okay.


PATTY carefully puts the bow on MAX’s stomach.


MAX wakes up.


MAX

Oh god. OH GOD. THIS SKETCH.


JENINE

What?


MAX

THIS ENTIRE SKETCH IS A DISASTER!


JENINE

Go back to sleep, honey.


MAX

NO! WAKE UP! PATTY, LOOK AT ME!!


PATTY

Max, what are you doing?


MAX looks out into the audience.


MAX

I’m so sorry to the people watching this.


JENINE

Great, well fuck the show I guess.


MAX rips off the metal pants and pulls up his shirt.


MAX

I bet you’re confused. I’m going to tell you what happened. The writer was going along merrily with this piece when she realized, what if the roles were reversed? What if PATTY and JENINE were both men in a workshop and they were dressing a “dead” woman?


JENINE

That’s sick, Max.


MAX

EXACTLY. So she backtracked. She went back through the dialogue. The aggressive tendencies of Jenine who clearly wanted to kill her husband and the constant attention drawn to my "disgusting" body. Absolutely not! Do not shame me! Do not shame anyone!


PATTY

I didn't say you were disgusting.


MAX

Patty.


PATTY

I didn't write the jokes.


MAX

Patty.


PATTY

It is kind of gross.


MAX

NO! WAKE UPE PATTY! WAKE UP LITTLE PATTYCAKE! LITTLE CAKE OF PATTY! I am a BEAUTIFUL MAN! I am a CONFIDENT MAN! I AM WORTHY I AM ALL THINGS GOOD! I won't be told I am anything less.


PATTY

Women are called way worse things by men.


MAX

Yes! And that is wrong! It is all wrong and mean and it hurts! And so this is where it ends. We’re not going to do it to anybody. The writer, for a brief moment, gave into the stereotypical, offensive kind of comedy that hurts people and doesn’t help. She pulled an Adam Sandler circa 2006. BUT, she's not going to delete the script and forget this ever happened.


JENINE

That would save us a lot of time. Delete it.


MAX

No! Because she wants you to see that people make mistakes. That people don’t always get it right. She wants to hold herself accountable for having harmful biases that she needs to address in all her work and in herself.


PATTY

Jesus, Max. Can you at least wrap it up? This sketch was supposed to be three minutes.


MAX

After I dance.

Strobe lights blast through the space. MAX dances shirtless. Men and women of all shapes and sizes come onstage to dance.


END

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