JENINE
PATTY
MAX
INT. WORKSHOP - DAY
JENINE and PATTY are standing in their workshop filled with trinkets and craft supplies from Hobby Lobby.
In front of them is a table and MAX laying on the table. He is passed out and maybe dead. They are filming a youtube video.
JENINE
Hi you guys!
PATTY
Welcome back to another episode of Workshop wonders.
JENINE
We’ve been getting so many questions about this topic so we finally decided to do it. How to properly dress your husband for his funeral!
PATTY
Today, we’ve got my husband, Max, who we have lightly sedated in order to give you the real experience of what it’s like to dress your dead husband.
JENINE
Of course, Max is only about 48, but he’s got high cholesterol.
PATTY
That’s right, Jenine. He’ll be gone before we know it! Today, we’re going with a rustic theme. My husband absolutely hates it and that is why he is heavily sedated.
JENINE
Lightly.
PATTY
I mean lightly sedated.
JENINE
We picked up some perfect flannel clothe from the craft store for three dollars.
PATTY
A STEAL.
JENINE
And we’re going to be placing it on the parts of Max that I find the least attractive.
JENINE places the clothe over Max’s face. And then cuts out a little corner for both of his nipples. PATTY looks at JENINE concerned.
JENINE
They’re just too pointy.
PATTY
Next, we’re looking at the wardrobe. Let’s start with the pants.
JENINE
So, for the pants, I found this rusted metal in the back of an alley that I thought looked darling.
JENINE pulls out a giant sheet of rusted metal. Tetanus is written all over it.
PATTY
Has that beautiful, rustic copper touch.
JENINE
Now, normally, you don’t wear metal for pants.
PATTY
It’s absurd
JENINE
Right, but I like to think outside the box and Max is also late on his tetanus shot I told him to get last year so if he wants to gamble with the disease, then, by all means, I’m not going to hold him back.
JENINE starts trying to mold the metal around his legs.
PATTY
I think you cut him a little.
JENINE
Good.
(Beat.)
Next, we need to decorate the midsection a little.
PATTY
Oo! Yes, I got this wonderful, burnt orange bow to tie around the waist. A perfect accent to pair with the intense belly fat peaking under the shirt.
JENINE slaps MAX’s stomach.
JENINE
Put her there.
PATTY
Um, okay.
PATTY carefully puts the bow on MAX’s stomach.
MAX wakes up.
MAX
Oh god. OH GOD. THIS SKETCH.
JENINE
What?
MAX
THIS ENTIRE SKETCH IS A DISASTER!
JENINE
Go back to sleep, honey.
MAX
NO! WAKE UP! PATTY, LOOK AT ME!!
PATTY
Max, what are you doing?
MAX looks out into the audience.
MAX
I’m so sorry to the people watching this.
JENINE
Great, well fuck the show I guess.
MAX rips off the metal pants and pulls up his shirt.
MAX
I bet you’re confused. I’m going to tell you what happened. The writer was going along merrily with this piece when she realized, what if the roles were reversed? What if PATTY and JENINE were both men in a workshop and they were dressing a “dead” woman?
JENINE
That’s sick, Max.
MAX
EXACTLY. So she backtracked. She went back through the dialogue. The aggressive tendencies of Jenine who clearly wanted to kill her husband and the constant attention drawn to my "disgusting" body. Absolutely not! Do not shame me! Do not shame anyone!
PATTY
I didn't say you were disgusting.
MAX
Patty.
PATTY
I didn't write the jokes.
MAX
Patty.
PATTY
It is kind of gross.
MAX
NO! WAKE UPE PATTY! WAKE UP LITTLE PATTYCAKE! LITTLE CAKE OF PATTY! I am a BEAUTIFUL MAN! I am a CONFIDENT MAN! I AM WORTHY I AM ALL THINGS GOOD! I won't be told I am anything less.
PATTY
Women are called way worse things by men.
MAX
Yes! And that is wrong! It is all wrong and mean and it hurts! And so this is where it ends. We’re not going to do it to anybody. The writer, for a brief moment, gave into the stereotypical, offensive kind of comedy that hurts people and doesn’t help. She pulled an Adam Sandler circa 2006. BUT, she's not going to delete the script and forget this ever happened.
JENINE
That would save us a lot of time. Delete it.
MAX
No! Because she wants you to see that people make mistakes. That people don’t always get it right. She wants to hold herself accountable for having harmful biases that she needs to address in all her work and in herself.
PATTY
Jesus, Max. Can you at least wrap it up? This sketch was supposed to be three minutes.
MAX
After I dance.
Strobe lights blast through the space. MAX dances shirtless. Men and women of all shapes and sizes come onstage to dance.
END