Written by Jafei Pollitt
CARL
WENDY
MANAGER
GOD=
INT. MCDONALDS - DAY
CARL stands behind a counter with a red cap on and a grim face. He picks at his nametag and then his nose.
WENDY enters. She is wearing a large hat and big sunglasses.
CARL
Hello, welcome to McDonald's. What can I get started for you today?
WENDY
A burger
CARL
Cheese, no cheese?
WENDY
No cheese.
CARL
All the toppings.
WENDY
(whispering)
Yes.
CARL
(looks up)
Uh, okay. That will be $4.34
WENDY
I’m not done.
CARL
Oh
WENDY
I’ll have fries too.
CARL
Okay.
They sit in silence.
WENDY
Okay, I’m done.
CARL
Okay. That will be $5.12.
WENDY pulls out her wallet and looks around. She pulls out a five-dollar bill but it’s made out of rubber and it’s a kids toy.
WENDY
And twelve cents, you said?
CARL
Yes, but this isn’t real -
WENDY
(whispering)
Shhhhhhhh! Yes, yes. I have that somewhere.
WENDY pulls out a Mr. Potato head and unhitches his backside.
Plastic change rolls around his insides. She pulls out two fake pennies and an oversized dime.
CARL
So I can’t take this.
WENDY
Do you know who I am? You most certainly can!
CARL
I don’t know who you are.
WENDY
(scoffs)
WELL! I’ll have you know I am
(whispers)
Mrs. McDonald. So, I think my money is good here.
CARL closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.
WENDY is off-put.
The employees look at him. Whispers of “oh my god” And “no way” bounce around.
Then CARL begins to slowly yell, almost as a hum at first, getting louder and louder until he is a siren wailing throughout the restaurant. Everybody watches him.
WENDY
EXCUSE ME! SIR!
CARL continues to yell.
WENDY slaps him across the face. He stops wailing and looks at WENDY in shock.
The employees react. “Not this time,” and “shoot” are heard.
WENDY steps back.
CARL
Oh?
WENDY
I would like some food, sir.
CARL turns around. WENDY is confused. CARL begins to slowly yell again.
WENDY
SIR! SIR! This is ridiculous! You can’t very well act like this in MY store!
Beat.
WENDY
Well, I NEVER!
WENDY storms out of the McDonalds. CARL stops wailing and turns around. Everyone begins a slow clap for him throughout the restaurant. It reverberates against the walls.
Roses are thrown at him. “Encore!” is shouted to him! He bows.
The manager stands in the back, tearing up.
MANAGER
By god, he did it.
CARL sprouts wings that look incredibly painful. Much like a man transforming into a wolf.
He laughs joyously and bursts upwards through the McDonalds ceiling.
He has crossed over to the other side.
CARL
FUCK THE CUSTOMER!
Tears stream down his face. He emerges onto a soft cloud. GOD sits before him. He is daunting and tall.
GOD
Hello, Carl.
CARL
Hello, God.
GOD
I’m glad you’re here today.
CARL
Me too.
GOD
Are you ready?
CARL
Yes.
GOD leads CARL through a golden gate. On the other side lies a million McDonalds employees wailing at the top of their lungs. CARL smiles. GOD pats him on the back.
GOD
Fuck the customer. Always.