BETH - 25, Has seen plenty of birds.
DAN - 25, Has never seen a bird in his life.
BETH and DAN enter.
BETH and DAN are both dressed for brunch. They quickly walk towards center stage, where there is a sign that says "REAL BIRDS. THIS WAY."
DAN(out of breath)
Beth, Beth, wait up - please.
BETH No, I won't! I can't just sit quietly and do nothing about your predicament.
It's not a predicament! Something of like 10% of Americans go through this.
10% of Americans HAVEN'T SEEN A BIRD?
You say it like it's a bad thing.
How have you not seen a bird?
I don't know! Some people haven't had Mountain Dew Baja Blast, I just haven't seen a bird.
How? Pigeons are everywhere! Parks, sidewalks, airports, the god damn mall! You can't even go to a beach without a Seagull approaching you like you owe it money.
Beth, come on. Can we just please go back to brunch? The omelette bar closes soon and I was really looking forward to my spinach and feta omelette.
THAT'S A BORING COMBINATION DAN! GET MUSHROOMS AND BELL PEPPERS IN YOUR OMELETTE LIKE A GOD DAMN ADULT.
Omelettes are made with eggs. And where do eggs come from?
Beth, can we just please -
ANSWER THE QUESTION, DANIEL.
Beth, you're scaring me.
CHICKENS. THEY COME FROM CHICKENS WHICH IS A TYPE OF FLIGHTLESS BIRD. DO YOU KNOW WHAT OTHER TYPES OF BIRDS ARE FLIGHTLESS? OSTRICHES! AND GUESS WHO GREW UP ON AN OSTRICH FARM? YOU DID! YOU DID, DAN! I DID IT! YOU HAVE SEEN A BIRD. YOU'VE SEEN THE BIGGEST BIRD IN THE WORLD - ASIDE FROM THE ONE ON SESAME STREET. BUT YOU'VE STILL SEEN IT!
DAN begins to laugh.
What? Why are you laughing?
Don't you see, Beth? I never grew up on an Ostrich farm. You did.
Think about it, Beth. Do you remember anything before we got to this sign that says REAL BIRDS?
We... we were at brunch?
You only think we were at brunch because I told you that we should go back there. The truth of the matter is that you've never been to brunch. You've never had mimosas and burgers with an egg on it. In fact, you've never left the Ostrich farm. Think about it, Beth.
Different shades of red and purple lights begin to flicker.
Music from Wizard of Oz comes on, the same soundtrack that played during the twister scene right before Dorothy transports to The Land of OZ.
Different farm noises and bird noises play behind it.
DAN runs off stage in the confusion.
BETH is standing by herself next to the sign that used to say, "REAL BIRDS. THIS WAY." which now says, "OSTRICH FARM".
No. I left this place! I got out! I was the one that made it out of this hell hole!
The raptor sound from Jurassic Park plays.
BETH is standing center stage and towering behind her is an Ostrich. Horrified that she is now alone and sensing that someone or something is behind her, she hesitantly turns around.