T.Hansen  12.24.2020 HELLth HUMAN ONE  HELL ANGEL  HELL ANGEL   Welcome to hell.  HUMAN ONE  Wicked stupid to be here but I guess it is what it is. So, what’s the happs?  HELL ANGEL Well, you were a glutton in your past life. It says here in my records, you used to go to Wendy’s, get a double cheeseburger no pickles- HUMAN ONE  I hate pickles.  HELL ANGEL  Ugh, me too. And you’d get honey mustard cups- HUMAN ONE  Well, they have the best honey mustard.  HELL ANGEL  I like the honey mustard from Hardee’s, personally.  HUMAN ONE  Oh, that’s a great one too. I always forget about Hardee’s. There wasn’t a Hardee’s near where I rented.  HELL ANGEL  BUHmmer, then it says you would drive to Chickfila- HUMAN ONE Lousy company, I’m aware.  HELL ANGEL Yeah, we don’t even get behind that toxic shit. HUMAN ONE  I thought they stopped donating to those anti-LGBTQ organizations?  HELL ANGEL  They probably still do, you can hide donations to shady operations. It’s REAL easy. HA. Did you know that one of the NRA’s largest supporters is America’s Dad, Tom Hanks?  HUMAN ONE  NO SHIT?  HELL ANGEL  You can cover up anything. So, you’d drive to Chickfila and get a large fry, then you’d go to Portillo’s get a cheese cup and chocolate cake…?  HUMAN ONE  You dip the Portillo cheese in the Chilkfila fry. Save the cake for McLater. Fuckin’ delish.  HELL ANGEL  Speaking of “Mc,” you’d get two large McDonald’s Dr.Peppers. HUMAN ONE  I dunno what they are doing with their drinks over at MickeyD’s but uhhhhh,  HUMAN ONE & HELL ANGEL IT’S WORKIN! HELL ANGEL  Loved that shit when I was alive. Hate to be the bearer of bad news… but your hell is that now all of your food is gonna taste like grey goop.  HUMAN ONE Oh...well, that's upsetting. (Beat.) (Beat.) (Beat.) Speaking of "Goop," is Gweneth down here?  HELL ANGEL Oh, totes. Her punishment is that she just has to spend 24/7 with ordinary, run-of-the-mill, down-to-earth folks.  END OF PLAY.

T.HANSEN 12.23.2020  HEALTH  HUMAN ONE  HUMAN TWO  (Lights up on HUMAN ONE and HUMAN TWO. They are standing in front of a table with three food items. They show off each item showgirl style a la Vanna White.) HUMAN ONE  Item one, a standard entree from Chilli’s, one of the pioneers of the casual dining industry.  HUMAN TWO  Item two, 17 egg yolks with dash paprika on top.  HUMAN ONE  Item three, one sliver of cilantro.  HUMAN TWO  We were sent to eat the one that gives the most nutrients.  (HUMAN ONE AND HUMAN TWO sit there in silence for an incredibly long time.)  (HUMAN ONE AND HUMAN TWO viciously start eating each other's flesh like a scene straight from The Walking Dead.) END OF PLAY. PS. T.Hansen lost their Microsoft Word application, so now they will all be in this form. RIP to my Microsoft word. :(