INSPIRATION: Island CAST ACTOR 1 ACTOR 2 [Two actors look like they're rowing a boat] ACTOR 1 KEEP ROWING! KEEP ROWING! We're so close! I will not DIE OUT HERE! ACTOR 2 We! Will! Not! Die! In! The! Ocean! ACTOR 1 YES! KEEP ROWING! OUR HEARTS WILL GIVE OUT SOON. [BLACKOUT]

INSPIRATION: BUTTOCKS CAST ACTOR 1 ACTOR 2 [Two actors are sitting as if on a toilet. Both are reading newspapers, or objecting work newspapers.] ACTOR 1 Dad, the sports section is looking kind of bleak for today's game. Also, I just pooped. ACTOR 2 Well, that's the problem with hard contact games. And why we're never going to play again. ACTOR 1 Yup. Never again. NURSE!!! [Two nurses walk in and wheel the actors off.] [This joke is mores about CTE and the NFL and activities that encourage people to harm one another for the sake of entertainment.]

INSPIRATION: Bounce Date: 9/3/20 [Lights UP] [Two actors are taking turns hop scotching across the stage. However] Actor #1: one, two, three, four, six, nine, eight. Actor #2: two, two, nine, four, seven, eight three Actor 3#: Take that ants! [BLACKOUT]

DATE: 8/30/20 INSPIRATION: Enterprise You wake up. Burning beans bring you to the kitchen. You're doing your best. One step, two step, stumble, then look. Your phone has a notification. Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe there's something in it that helps with the feeling you can't feel but know exists. It's there and it hurts and it solves and it soothes but at the same time you wish it wasn't there. Now you're at your computer. Or maybe you aren't. Maybe that to do list that last night inspired sits in the bottom of your dreams and it's hard to scrounge up in all of this. It makes you hurt You want to be Donald Glover. But there's an ache and it probably steps from wanting to be Donald Glover and it hurts and it helps. Now you're on your phone. Maybe a couple words sit before you. Maybe you've been focused. Maybe you haven't. That's okay. It's okay. There's nothing to prove. Nothing to do. You do this because it helps. It hurts, it helps, and on the best of days gives you a feeling of lightness and soaring that's reserved for planes and superheroes. Please be kind. To others. But especially yourself.

DATE: 8/30/20 INSPIRATION: REJECT [LIGHTS UP] [We see three people dressed up to be conventionally attractive. Maybe they're wearing hipster type clothing. Cheerleader or jock. Honestly, it really doesn't matter, just suggest they're fucking cool and the envy of everyone. Person #1: Yeah, I'm just like the biggest loser ever. Person #2: Yeah, me too. Literally get turned down everyday. Person #3: Yup. I suck.....all of you still had consensual sex with somone last night though, right? Person #1: Yup. Person #2: Yup. Person 3#: Oh my god, we SUCK AND are SUPER UNLOVABLE. [The Three make an ecstatic noise or if they have a frat bro look maybe they hug, or smash red cups, or something.] [BLACKOUT]

DATE: 8/30/20 (but for 8/28/30) INSPIRATION: Package [Sound effect, knock on door.] [LIGHTS UP] {We see three people dressed in choral attire and, the EX, standing at the door. The EX: Errr....can I help yo? [One Choir member hands a letter over.] The EX: [READING] This....is a singing telegram....from the person you dumped yesterday.... CHOIR: Fuck you! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!!! [This Choir line is sung one at a time, with each successive member going up a major third.] [BLACKOUT]

DATE: 8/30/20 (but for 8/27/30) INSPIRATION: PRIDE [LIGHTS UP] [Two "hick" looking figures in flannel are holding picket signs and cigarettes. It seems like they have chew in their mouths.] HICK #1: WHAT DO WE WANT?! HICK #2: PRIDE FOR OUR WHITES!!! HICK#1: WHEN DO WE WANT IT! HICK #2: NOW! [ENTER MAN IN A WHITE ROBE] DENTIST: DOES SOMEBODY NEED A DENTIST?! [BLACKOUT]

DATE: 8/30/20 (but for 8/26/30) INSPIRATION: Restoration [LIGHTS UP] [We see two women, Betty and Lisa, in bentwood chairs, with typical spa attire. Towels around the heads, really luxurious bathrobes.] BETTY: God, I'm so famished. Thank you for taking me to this Spa. Lisa: Everyone's been relaxing this way, you'll love it. [ENTER Spa Worker, who steps onstage] SPA WORKER: Here are your phones for scrolling ladies, with only the most terrible, of terrible news we could find BETTY & LISA: [ECSTATIC] OH MY GOD!!!!!! [BLACKOUT]

DATE: 8/25/20 ADMINISTRATION: DISTRIBUTION [LIGHTS-UP] [On stage, a lone man stands, object working or using an actual dandelion. There are only a couple dandies left on the lion. He is picking at them while romantic music plays in the background, but like, romantic in the way of contemporary interpretations, not the classical music kind. Close to him and standing, lovelorn, is a lone woman.] LONE MAN: She loves me.....she loves me not......she loves me not? She loves me!.......She loves me not. [LONE MAN looks apathetic.] LONE WOMAN: Soo.......? LONE MAN: Yeah, just sign the divorce papers. [BLACKOUT] ALTERNATIVE [Same set up, but the woman is wearing a nun habit.] LONE MAN: She loves me.....she loves me not......she loves me not? She loves me!.......She loves me not. [LONE MAN looks apathetic.] LONE WOMAN: Soo.......? LONE MAN: Yeah, we can't fuck.

DATE: 8/25/20, but I'm making up for 8/24 INSPIRATION: ADMINISTRATION [LIGHTS-UP] [One actor, the JUDGE, stands behind a bentwood chair doubling as a makeshift podium. Just parallel to them is another actor, who is the ACCUSED standing all ashamed and the like.] JUDGE: I find the defendant guilty. And his sentence is......HE WILL WORK!!!!! ACCUSED: Big fuggin deal JUDGE: FOR THE STATE BUREAU OF ILLINOIS!! ACCUSED: WHY GOD!!! WHY!!!! [BLACKOUT]

DATE: 8/23/20 INSPIRATION: Lonely [Lights up on a lone actor on stage. They're sleeping across three bentwood chairs with a blanket over them. Maybe they're in front of a laptop. Google/Siri is played by stage SFXs or loudspeakers.] [The Actor Seems Disturbed.] Lone Actor: It knows when I am sleeping. It knows when I'm awake. It knows when I've been bad or good Google or SIRI Voice: so be good, don't masturbate. [Maybe mention something about a web cam or work that in somehow, but whatevs!] [BLACKOUT]

DATE: 8/22/20 INSPIRATION: Grimace SCENE [We see a Father and a back-pack wearing son. The latter is sitting in a chair, with a bloody sling, nursing a wound of some kind.] Son: It hurts papa. Father: This happened to Grandpa. It happened to me. You'll get through it. Just remember what I told you. Sons: "Sticks and stones... Father: ....May break my bones.... Son: But bullets might not hurt me." [BLACKOUT]

Date: 8/21/20 Inspiration: Sausage SCENE: [We hear a pig squealing, then the sound of a cleaver coming down. Stage lights up on a woman, Butcher 1. She is smiling.] Butcher 1: That'll do Pig. That'll do. [BLACKOUT]

INSPIRATION: dysfunctional [SFX: A door opening, then closing. Light comes up. A PATIENT, holding an electric bass guitar, sits across from a THERAPIST holding a clipboard.] THERAPIST: What brought you to therapy? PATIENT: I'm not happy. I can't operate in normal society. THERAPIST: Alright..... why did you bring in the bass guitar? PATIENT: To work on my dysFUNKTions!!!?? [SFX: Funky riff plays. Maybe the Seinfeld one.] [BLACKOUT]

[This one is for August, 19th, the inspiration being insults.] [Two actors in diapers are face to face. Their physical shapes indicate TENSION AND CONFLICT.] ACTOR #1: YOU'RE A FUCKING CUCK. ACTOR #2: YOU'RE A CONSUMATE FAILURE. ACTOR #1: YOUR MOTHER HATES YOU AND ALL THE GAMES YOU PLAY! ACTOR #2: YOUR FATHER IS DISAPPOINTED IN THE CHILD YOU'RE BECOMING! PA; THIS SENATE MEETING WILL TEMPORARILY BREAK FOR LUNCH. [Optional: Both actors hug each other and break into sobs while a demented, lullaby plays in the background, maybe something you'd find from like the Conjuring film series.] [BLACKOUT]

SCENE [Club music is playing. A man is seen swerving his eyes around. Maybe he dances a little, to indicate he is in a crowd of some kind. Actually, he is dancing vigorously.] [An Asian Man walks onstage, unassuming.] Man: THERE YOU ARE! Asian Man: Who? Man: THE NEEDLE IN THE GAY STACK! [BLACKOUT] [last caveat: I'm an Asian Male, so I think that protects this sketch, but I should also mention, I've never formally studied sketch and will apologize if that doesn't protect the sketch.]

SCENE: [Army music is playing. A man stands at attention while a woman wearing a general hat paces back and forth.] Woman #1: ALMOST THERE PRIVATE. KEEP! LISTING! Man #1: "RULE TWO THOUSAND. All friends must be present. CAVEAT: SANS ONES FROM HIGH SCHOOL. RULE TWO THOUSAND AND ONE. RED LOBSTER IS NOT AN OPTION. RULE TWO THOUSAND AND TWO CHAMPAGNE MUST BE IMMEDIATELY PRESENT. CAVEAT. SOMEONE SHOULD BE FILMING THE EVENT." Woman #1: AND WHAT ARE THESE, PRIVATE? Man #1: YOUR RULES FOR ENGAGEMENT! [BLACKOUT]