SUGAR
MIKE
TONYA
INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING
MIKE and TONYA sit at a table in a nice restaurant.
TONYA
So that’s basically how I got a degree in foot modeling.
MIKE
(leaning in close)
That’s so fascinating.
TONYA
Haha, yeah, I guess. It makes me good money so I don’t complain.
MIKE
A foot model. Even better than a real model!
TONYA
Yeah, I guess.
MIKE
Can I tell you something?
TONYA
I - yeah of course, but if it’s about you having a thing for feet then I’ve heard it all a million times -
MIKE
If a single piece of sugar touches my tongue I die.
Pause.
TONYA
Well, that’s not what I was expecting you to say.
MIKE
Oh sorry. I love you.
TONYA
Woah. Little strong there.
MIKE looks around anxiously.
MIKE
Sorry. I love you and sugar will kill me instantly.
TONYA
Let me guess, we’re playing two truths and a lie!
MIKE
You want me to lie?
TONYA
I- no, I thought we were playing a game.
MIKE
No.
TONYA
Oh.
Beat.
MIKE
I think they put sugar in the pasta I ordered.
TONYA
Why do you think that?
MIKE
Because there's a guy in the kitchen with a shirt that says “I’ll put sugar in everything until I can finally kill the guy who ran my ferret over.”
TONYA
Where?
MIKE
Right there!
MIKE points to the kitchen. There is a chef wearing a shirt with the exact lettering.
TONYA
Whoa. Did you kill his ferret?
The chef looks up and directly at Mike.
MIKE
Why would you ask me something like that?!
TONYA
Oh god, sorry! I didn’t know he could hear us!
MIKE
I’m dead. I’m so dead.
TONYA
No, it’s okay! Just don’t eat the pasta.
MIKE
And look like a rude man? I’d rather die.
TONYA
Okay, just pretend to eat it.
MIKE
I only have two options here.
TONYA
Like what?
MIKE
Die or revive his dead ferret.
TONYA
Wait, but we just met! and you love me!
MIKE
I do. So deeply and so fast.
TONYA
(tearing up)
You can’t just die.
MIKE
You’re right.
MIKE pulls out a large bag.
TONYA
What is that?
MIKE pulls out a dead ferret from the bag.
TONYA
Ahh!
MIKE
It’s okay. It’s just a dead ferret.
Flies begin to linger.
TONYA
That’s disgusting.
MIKE
But necessary.
TONYA
How long have you had that thing?
MIKE
Since May of last year. It’s been quite a whirlwind.
MIKE begins performing CPR on the dead ferret. The chef watches and his eyes widen. We hear “MITTENS!” shouted from the kitchen.
TONYA
It’s dead!
MIKE
NO!
MIKE blows air into its little rotten, dead mouth. The chef comes storming out of the kitchen and up to MIKE.
CHEF
How Dare You.
Beat. MIKE gives up. He shakes his head and opens his mouth to be killed by sugar. His eyes are closed. He must die.
From the darkness, we hear a squeaky voice.
TONYA
(holding up the dead ferret)
Hi dad.
MIKE opens his eyes to find TONYA holding the dead ferret and pretending it’s alive.
TONYA
I missed ya!
CHEF
Mi-mittens?
TONYA
That’s right! It’s me! Mittens!
CHEF
Oh my god! You’re okay!
CHEF takes the dead ferret into his arms.
CHEF
I missed you my baby.
CHEF kisses and cuddles the ferret.
CHEF
(to Tonya)
Thank you. You saved him.
TONYA
Noooo biggie.
The chef retreats into the kitchen shouting.
CHEF
GUYS! GUYS! LOOK WHO CAME BACK!
MIKE
Holy cow.
TONYA
Looks like you’re going to be okay.
MIKE
Yeah. Hey.
TONYA
Yeah?
MIKE
Thanks for that.
TONYA
Of course.
They look into the eyes of each other.
MIKE
I don’t think I love you anymore though.
TONYA
Oh, come on.
END