SUGAR


MIKE

TONYA

INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING


MIKE and TONYA sit at a table in a nice restaurant.


TONYA

So that’s basically how I got a degree in foot modeling.


MIKE

(leaning in close)

That’s so fascinating.


TONYA

Haha, yeah, I guess. It makes me good money so I don’t complain.


MIKE

A foot model. Even better than a real model!


TONYA

Yeah, I guess.


MIKE

Can I tell you something?


TONYA

I - yeah of course, but if it’s about you having a thing for feet then I’ve heard it all a million times -


MIKE

If a single piece of sugar touches my tongue I die.

Pause.


TONYA

Well, that’s not what I was expecting you to say.


MIKE

Oh sorry. I love you.


TONYA

Woah. Little strong there.


MIKE looks around anxiously.


MIKE

Sorry. I love you and sugar will kill me instantly.


TONYA

Let me guess, we’re playing two truths and a lie!


MIKE

You want me to lie?


TONYA

I- no, I thought we were playing a game.


MIKE

No.


TONYA

Oh.


Beat.


MIKE

I think they put sugar in the pasta I ordered.


TONYA

Why do you think that?


MIKE

Because there's a guy in the kitchen with a shirt that says “I’ll put sugar in everything until I can finally kill the guy who ran my ferret over.”


TONYA

Where?


MIKE

Right there!


MIKE points to the kitchen. There is a chef wearing a shirt with the exact lettering.


TONYA

Whoa. Did you kill his ferret?


The chef looks up and directly at Mike.


MIKE

Why would you ask me something like that?!


TONYA

Oh god, sorry! I didn’t know he could hear us!


MIKE

I’m dead. I’m so dead.


TONYA

No, it’s okay! Just don’t eat the pasta.


MIKE

And look like a rude man? I’d rather die.


TONYA

Okay, just pretend to eat it.


MIKE

I only have two options here.


TONYA

Like what?


MIKE

Die or revive his dead ferret.


TONYA

Wait, but we just met! and you love me!


MIKE

I do. So deeply and so fast.


TONYA

(tearing up)

You can’t just die.


MIKE

You’re right.


MIKE pulls out a large bag.


TONYA

What is that?


MIKE pulls out a dead ferret from the bag.


TONYA

Ahh!


MIKE

It’s okay. It’s just a dead ferret.


Flies begin to linger.


TONYA

That’s disgusting.


MIKE

But necessary.


TONYA

How long have you had that thing?


MIKE

Since May of last year. It’s been quite a whirlwind.


MIKE begins performing CPR on the dead ferret. The chef watches and his eyes widen. We hear “MITTENS!” shouted from the kitchen.


TONYA

It’s dead!


MIKE

NO!


MIKE blows air into its little rotten, dead mouth. The chef comes storming out of the kitchen and up to MIKE.


CHEF

How Dare You.


Beat. MIKE gives up. He shakes his head and opens his mouth to be killed by sugar. His eyes are closed. He must die.


From the darkness, we hear a squeaky voice.


TONYA

(holding up the dead ferret)

Hi dad.


MIKE opens his eyes to find TONYA holding the dead ferret and pretending it’s alive.


TONYA

I missed ya!


CHEF

Mi-mittens?


TONYA

That’s right! It’s me! Mittens!


CHEF

Oh my god! You’re okay!


CHEF takes the dead ferret into his arms.


CHEF

I missed you my baby.


CHEF kisses and cuddles the ferret.


CHEF

(to Tonya)

Thank you. You saved him.


TONYA

Noooo biggie.


The chef retreats into the kitchen shouting.


CHEF

GUYS! GUYS! LOOK WHO CAME BACK!


MIKE

Holy cow.


TONYA

Looks like you’re going to be okay.


MIKE

Yeah. Hey.


TONYA

Yeah?


MIKE

Thanks for that.


TONYA

Of course.


They look into the eyes of each other.


MIKE

I don’t think I love you anymore though.


TONYA

Oh, come on.


END

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