PACKAGE
Written by Jafei Pollitt
GRAMP - Naked and unafraid
GRAM - She loves her grandson!
TODD - Grandson
FEDEX GUY - Just a weirdo
INT. TODD’S APARTMENT - DAY
TODD is seated at his table in his little studio apartment eating ramen and watching Married at First Sight.
His phone rings. He looks to see it’s his GRAM. He reluctantly picks it up.
TODD
Hiiii Gram.
GRAM (V.O.)
Hi doodles, how are you today?
TODD
I’m good Gram, just trying to eat and relax.
GRAM (V.O.)
Oh, that’s so good I’m so proud of you little doodles.
TODD
(rolling eyes)
Thank you, Gram.
Long pause.
TODD
Okay, nice talking to you Gram.
GRAM(V.O.)
I wanted to let you know I sent you something in the mail.
TODD
Oh?
GRAM(V.O.)
It’s nice and big now so you gotta be gentle with it.
TODD
Gram I don’t need any more vases.
TODD looks around his house. It is filled with vases and odd plates with kittens and angels.
TODD
I barely have any space as it is.
GRAM(V.O.)
Oh, you hush now it’s nothing of the sort. Just promise me you’ll be a good boy and be real gentle with it, alright?
TODD
(Sighing)
Yeah, of course.
GRAM(V.O.)
And don’t throw it away! A grandma can sense those things!
TODD
Okay, Gram.
GRAM(V.O.)
Love you Doodles. Tell your mom I say hello.
TODD
I don’t live at home anymore-
GRAM promptly hangs up the phone and the doorbell rings.
TODD groans and answers it. A FEDEX GUY stands with a substantial box next to him.
FEDEX GUY
Sign here.
TODD signs. FEDEX GUY brings the package inside with rollers.
FEDEX GUY
Good luck.
TODD
What?
FEDEX GUY leaves promptly.
TODD looks at the giant package.
TODD starts to split open the box with some scissors. He struggles. Finally, he gets the top open and peaks inside.
TODD
What the hell is this?
TODD pokes at the inside. We hear a grunt.
TODD
AHH!
Slowly, GRAMPS emerges from the box. He is disheveled, but not disturbed. Like he has taken a long nap. A naked, slightly sweaty, long nap.
TODD
Oh my god.
GRAMPS
Hello?
TODD
Grandpa?
GRAMPS turns to see TODD
GRAMPS
Doodles! How are you, my boy!
TODD
Why the fuck are you in a box?
GRAMPS
Huh?
(looking at his box)
Mmm, not sure. Grab me some water.
TODD dazed and confused gets him some water.
GRAMPS takes a sip then spits it out and throws the glass onto the floor, smashing it to pieces.
GRAMPS
I said water, you dimwit!
TODD
That was water!
GRAMPS
Mmm. Brown water.
Beat.
TODD
Beer?
GRAMPS nods his head in approval. TODD goes to get him a beer.
GRAMPS slowly stands. He is ass naked.
TODD returns.
TODD
Gramps!
GRAMPS
Bit chilly.
GRAMPS takes the beer and drinks naked while Todd gets him a blanket.
TODD gets his phone and calls up GRAM.
GRAM (V.O.)
Doodles? Did it come already?
TODD
Did IT? You mean did Gramps just show up in my apartment ass naked from a box?
GRAM (V.O.)
That’s the one.
TODD
YES. What is WRONG with you?
GRAM (V.O.)
He’s getting a little too snarky now so I thought he should be with you.
TODD
You sent him in a BOX grams. That’s horrifying!
GRAM (V.O.)
Is he dead?
TODD
No.
GRAM(V.O.)
Then he’s fine.
TODD
You’re crazy!
GRAM(V.O.)
I am not crazy.
TODD
I can’t take care of him!
GRAM(V.O.)
Is he still naked?
TODD
What? Yes, I mean he’s freezing. You could have killed him, Grams!
GRAM(V.O.)
Coulda shoulda woulda. Okay, doodles have fun with your new thing, don’t throw it away! A gran can always tell!
GRAM promptly hangs up the phone again.
GRAMPS has moved from the box to the leather couch. He has ditched the blanket. His balls rest comfortably.
TODD
I am in hell. This is hell.
GRAMPS
This water is horrible.
GRAMPS smashes the bottle onto the floor.
TODD
JESUS.
GRAMPS
Mmmm where’s your mom, doodles?
TODD
In California! Where she lives!
GRAMPS
Get her over here I need to have a chat with her.
TODD
I can’t just - she’s over 130 miles away.
GRAMPS
Gotta tell her what a loon your grams is. Crazy old bat. Tried to get me to put on clothes before I got into that there box!
Todd rubs his eyes.
TODD
I genuinely don’t know what to do right now.
GRAMPS
Mmmm lets watch some news.
GRAMPS picks up a remote and points it at the T.V.. He turns on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood on PBS. Puppets are dancing about in a castle.
GRAMPS
Damn immigrants trying to take our jobs.
TODD steps around all the broken glass.
TODD
I don’t think I can have you here gramps. I love you, but I’m a busy guy -
GRAMPS
I’m busy too.
GRAMPS digs his butt deeper into the couch and smacks his lips together.
GRAMPS
Got any water for your old man?
TODD
Yeah, you smashed it.
GRAMPS
Mmmm right then I’ll just take brown water with cold clear water cubes.
Beat
TODDS
I don’t have any scotch.
GRAMPS scratches his balls, gets ups, walks on the broken glass over to the kitchen.
He opens the refrigerator to investigate. No more brown water.
GRAMPS
Nothing for me here then.
TODD
I think we need to get you to the hospital.
GRAMPS goes back to the box. He gets in with cut-up feet, a sweaty body, and no regard for sanity.
GRAMPS
Send me on back.
TODD
Hospital. Plane. And then you’ll be back, okay?
GRAMPS
Nope. Nope. Too long.
GRAMPS curls back into the box and shuts the lid over him.
GRAMPS
(muffled)
Send me to brown water!
TODD calls up GRAMS.
GRAMS(V.O.)
Honey, I’m in the middle of pleasure, what is it?
TODD
Oh, fuck, that’s gross. Listen, Gramps wants to come back. He refuses to get on a plane or go to the hospital.
GRAMS(V.O.)
Ahhhh, shoot
We hear the sound of a vibrator being turned off.
GRAMS(V.O.)
Alright, doodles. Send him on back. Maybe that will kill him.
TODD
Grandma!
GRAMS(V.O.)
Oh, pish, he got glass all over your floor, didn’t he?
TODD
I mean, yeah, but -
GRAMS(V.O.)
Okay, okay. Toodles doodles. Thanks for trying.
GRAMS hangs up.
TODD rubs his eyes. There's a ring at the door. TODD answers to find FEDEX guy.
FEDEX GUY
Is he dead?
TODD
What? No.
FEDEX GUY
Shit. okay.
FEDEX GUY pushes past TODD and picks up the box. He wheels him out.
FEDEX GUY
Would have been cooler if he had died.
Everybody leaves TODD. He stands alone in his apartment with blood, glass, and brown water everywhere. We hear Mr. Rogers Neighborhood theme song. TODD looks at the T.V.. he looks at the floor.
TODD undresses in a daze and stands butt ass naked in his apartment. He moves to the couch. He sits. His balls rest comfortably on the hot leather. He stares while Mr. Rogers puts on his sweater and ties his shoes.
END