PACKAGE

Written by Jafei Pollitt

GRAMP - Naked and unafraid

GRAM - She loves her grandson!

TODD - Grandson

FEDEX GUY - Just a weirdo

INT. TODD’S APARTMENT - DAY


TODD is seated at his table in his little studio apartment eating ramen and watching Married at First Sight.


His phone rings. He looks to see it’s his GRAM. He reluctantly picks it up.


TODD

Hiiii Gram.


GRAM (V.O.)

Hi doodles, how are you today?


TODD

I’m good Gram, just trying to eat and relax.


GRAM (V.O.)

Oh, that’s so good I’m so proud of you little doodles.


TODD

(rolling eyes)

Thank you, Gram.


Long pause.


TODD

Okay, nice talking to you Gram.


GRAM(V.O.)

I wanted to let you know I sent you something in the mail.


TODD

Oh?


GRAM(V.O.)

It’s nice and big now so you gotta be gentle with it.


TODD

Gram I don’t need any more vases.


TODD looks around his house. It is filled with vases and odd plates with kittens and angels.


TODD

I barely have any space as it is.


GRAM(V.O.)

Oh, you hush now it’s nothing of the sort. Just promise me you’ll be a good boy and be real gentle with it, alright?


TODD

(Sighing)

Yeah, of course.


GRAM(V.O.)

And don’t throw it away! A grandma can sense those things!


TODD

Okay, Gram.


GRAM(V.O.)

Love you Doodles. Tell your mom I say hello.


TODD

I don’t live at home anymore-


GRAM promptly hangs up the phone and the doorbell rings.


TODD groans and answers it. A FEDEX GUY stands with a substantial box next to him.


FEDEX GUY

Sign here.


TODD signs. FEDEX GUY brings the package inside with rollers.


FEDEX GUY

Good luck.


TODD

What?


FEDEX GUY leaves promptly.


TODD looks at the giant package.


TODD starts to split open the box with some scissors. He struggles. Finally, he gets the top open and peaks inside.


TODD

What the hell is this?


TODD pokes at the inside. We hear a grunt.


TODD

AHH!


Slowly, GRAMPS emerges from the box. He is disheveled, but not disturbed. Like he has taken a long nap. A naked, slightly sweaty, long nap.


TODD

Oh my god.


GRAMPS

Hello?


TODD

Grandpa?


GRAMPS turns to see TODD


GRAMPS

Doodles! How are you, my boy!


TODD

Why the fuck are you in a box?


GRAMPS

Huh?

(looking at his box)

Mmm, not sure. Grab me some water.

TODD dazed and confused gets him some water.


GRAMPS takes a sip then spits it out and throws the glass onto the floor, smashing it to pieces.


GRAMPS

I said water, you dimwit!


TODD

That was water!


GRAMPS

Mmm. Brown water.


Beat.


TODD

Beer?


GRAMPS nods his head in approval. TODD goes to get him a beer.


GRAMPS slowly stands. He is ass naked.


TODD returns.


TODD

Gramps!


GRAMPS

Bit chilly.


GRAMPS takes the beer and drinks naked while Todd gets him a blanket.


TODD gets his phone and calls up GRAM.


GRAM (V.O.)

Doodles? Did it come already?


TODD

Did IT? You mean did Gramps just show up in my apartment ass naked from a box?


GRAM (V.O.)

That’s the one.


TODD

YES. What is WRONG with you?


GRAM (V.O.)

He’s getting a little too snarky now so I thought he should be with you.


TODD

You sent him in a BOX grams. That’s horrifying!


GRAM (V.O.)

Is he dead?


TODD

No.


GRAM(V.O.)

Then he’s fine.


TODD

You’re crazy!


GRAM(V.O.)

I am not crazy.


TODD

I can’t take care of him!


GRAM(V.O.)

Is he still naked?


TODD

What? Yes, I mean he’s freezing. You could have killed him, Grams!


GRAM(V.O.)

Coulda shoulda woulda. Okay, doodles have fun with your new thing, don’t throw it away! A gran can always tell!


GRAM promptly hangs up the phone again.


GRAMPS has moved from the box to the leather couch. He has ditched the blanket. His balls rest comfortably.


TODD

I am in hell. This is hell.


GRAMPS

This water is horrible.


GRAMPS smashes the bottle onto the floor.


TODD

JESUS.


GRAMPS

Mmmm where’s your mom, doodles?


TODD

In California! Where she lives!


GRAMPS

Get her over here I need to have a chat with her.


TODD

I can’t just - she’s over 130 miles away.


GRAMPS

Gotta tell her what a loon your grams is. Crazy old bat. Tried to get me to put on clothes before I got into that there box!


Todd rubs his eyes.


TODD

I genuinely don’t know what to do right now.


GRAMPS

Mmmm lets watch some news.


GRAMPS picks up a remote and points it at the T.V.. He turns on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood on PBS. Puppets are dancing about in a castle.


GRAMPS

Damn immigrants trying to take our jobs.


TODD steps around all the broken glass.


TODD

I don’t think I can have you here gramps. I love you, but I’m a busy guy -


GRAMPS

I’m busy too.


GRAMPS digs his butt deeper into the couch and smacks his lips together.


GRAMPS

Got any water for your old man?


TODD

Yeah, you smashed it.


GRAMPS

Mmmm right then I’ll just take brown water with cold clear water cubes.


Beat


TODDS

I don’t have any scotch.


GRAMPS scratches his balls, gets ups, walks on the broken glass over to the kitchen.


He opens the refrigerator to investigate. No more brown water.


GRAMPS

Nothing for me here then.