FEATURED WRITER OF THE WEEK! T. Hansen WITHDRAW


(Lights up on a woman, MARTA, deep in the woods, sitting under a tree. She is dirty and disheveled looking like she has been there for days.)

(TRISA pops out from a bush. She has tactical gear on.)

TRISA

Over here guys, I’ve found her! She’s over here. Marta. Are you okay?! We’ve been looking for you for days.

MARTA

Trisa…is that you?

TRISA

What are you doing out here?

MARTA

All questions will be answered in time.

(ROBERT and KEITH enter, he has one of those tin-foil-looking blankets they give to people who finish marathons. He puts it around MARTA.)

ROBERT

Here. Oof. We’ve gotta get you a bath.

MARTA

Thank you.

ROBERT

And Mentos.

KEITH

Marta. Babe. I’ve been worried sick.

(KEITH embraces MARTA.)

MARTA

All questions will be answered in time.

KEITH

What? No, answer them now. Why are you out here? Why did you just up and leave a couple days ago?!

(MARTA stands up.)

MARTA

You’re mad? YOU’RE mad?!

TRISA

Take it easy, Mart. Whatever is going on, you can tell us. We’re happy you’re safe but you just up and left during the middle of Game Night. Then you what? Walked to the woods, left your phone in your car? Like this is crazy.

MARTA

You all think I’m crazy?

ROBERT

I’ve tossed that word around in my noggin a couple times. I’m not gonna lie.

KEITH

This isn’t like you.

MARTA

I’m not me anymore.

TRISA

Clearly. The Marta I know wouldn’t do something bat shit cray like this. We thought you were doing a bit walking away, then you never came back inside.

MARTA

Let me ask this. Why did I walk away? What pushed me over the edge?

KEITH

I dunno. Do you guys know?

TRISA

No.

ROBERT

Nah, man.

KEITH

Well…?

MARTA

Think. THINK about it.

KEITH

We were um…?

TRISA

We were all playing Catchphrase!

MARTA

Warmer.

ROBERT

And…you and Keith lost.

(ROBERT & TRISA high five)

MARTA

Warmer.

KEITH

And then…

(Beat.)

MARTA

Say it.

(Everyone gets tense.)

MARTA

SAY IT. THEN WHAT HAPPENED?!

TRISA

Then you got Old Yeller and Old Faithful confused.

MARTA

BINGO. Then I got Old Yeller and Old Faithful confused causing Keith and I to lose. I was trying to get Keith to guess Old Yeller when I described it as “that fountain in that one state I’ve never been to that squirts up really high.” Then the buzzer went off and I said, “You idiot, It’s Old Yeller.” And then you all laughed and laughed and laughed. You know what happens when people laugh at other’s mistakes? It creates the Joker-

ROBERT

Great flick.

TRISA

Not now Robert.

MARTA

You three driving me into insanity hearing your HA Ha’s echoing in my mind until the sound of cicadas drowned them out. Then I stayed here. Burrowed into this tree like it was my new condo. I’ve made friends with my new neighbors, the spiders; they do not laugh at me. They do not taunt me for not knowing geography.

KEITH

Babe, it’s time to come home. This is ridiculous.

MARTA

I’ll come home on one condition.

(MARTA pulls out CATCHPHRASE.)

MARTA

We rematch.

ROBERT

Aw, fuck yeah.

TRISA

Fine, if it’ll get you to come home.

KEITH

Couple v Couple?

MARTA

That’s the only way.

ROBERT

Category?

TRISA

Variety.

MARTA

AND GO.

(BEEPS from the game sounds)

MARTA

The movie with the dude that is Green!

KEITH

Green Lantern!

MARTA

NO!

(The sounds STOP. The game dies.)

MARTA

NO. No. This can’t be happening. Do any of you have double A batteries?! KEITH, I will dump your ass if you don’t have double A batteries in your fuckin’ pocket. You usually keep stupid trail mix in your pocket. Please have batteries.

(MARTA falls to her knees. She weeps.)

ROBERT

This is an epic.

(TRISA embraces MARTA and helps her up.)

TRISA

Why don’t we walk back to my place, huh, and we can clean you up, make some hot cocoa, put on some deodorant-

KEITH

The kind with aluminum because that other shit doesn’t work…

MARTA

No. Leave me. Leave me, get the double A’s, leave the hygiene products and meet me back here. Home field advantage.

KEITH

I’ll stay. You two go. But be quick.

ROBERT

You sure?

KEITH

Team 2 sticks together, through the thin and through the…thicket.

(They all SALUTE each other. TRISA and ROBERT walk away.)

MARTA

Let me introduce you to the spiders.

END OF PLAY.

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