FEATURED WRITER OF THE WEEK! T.Hansen
(Lights up on a WOMAN standing at a podium. There is a casket behind her. Several people seated SR dabbing their tears with handkerchiefs.)
It’s so surreal being up here. Saying goodbye to the only man I ever really truly loved and also the only man I got divorced from.
(She pulls out a Ziplock bag full of cherries. She pops one in her mouth. And pulls a pit from her mouth and holds it in her hand.)
Can someone get me a tiss-you.
(A man gets up from the seated people SR walks slowly to SL and hands WOMAN a tissue.)
I just quit smokin’. So’s I got to keep this mouth busy busy busy.
(WOMAN pops in another cherry.)
Harold always told me I had a motor mouth.
(WOMAN spits the pit in her hand that’s covered with a tissue.)
And besides him havin’ a motor-dick fuckin’ everything in this half of the hemisphere, we loved each other so much.
(WOMAN eats another cherry.)
I’ll miss him makin’ pancakes with MnM’s…miss drivin to the lake just to watch the sunset together. He used to look at me with a cigareete hangin’ from his mouth, arms round my waist and he’d go “Darlin’ if I could look at this sunset or you for the rest of my life, I’d choose you.”
(WOMAN spits the pit out.)
Look y’all, I know I’m painting a real Picasso of what our life was together. Y’all are over there thinking “Well hot-funnel-cake-and-grease, they were a modern-day Romeo and Juliet.” But that ain’t the whole truth…
(She pops in another cherry.)
We was maybe a modern-day Maury show. Because well my cousin Darna and him…I guess it would be “trashy” if I stood up here airin’ out our dirty laundry. Water under the bridge now. I got remarried. He found his new hobbies. Dangerous hobbies.
(WOMAN spits pit out. WOMAN immediately pops in a few cherries.)
I just can’t help but think of all the times I
(WOMAN pops in another handful of cherries.)
told him that those people who swallow swords on America’s Got Talent are trained circus professionals. Trial and error and ain’t gonna work. I feel like it’s my fault. It’s my fault.
(WOMAN pops in another cherry. She starts to cough hard. She’s CHOKING on a pit.
A MAN from SR runs to give her the Heimlich. Everyone else from SR gets up and gathers around WOMAN getting the Heimlich. The cherry pits get dislodged from her throat. She gasps for air. Everyone gives her space.)
Sweet corn and batter, that was a close call y’all. One of y’all hand me my bag of cherries please and thank you, I’ve got a eulogy to finish.
(A MAN hands WOMAN her bag of cherries. WOMAN slowly walks back to the podium and pops ONE cherry in her mouth.)
Going back to one at a time. A concept ole Harold knew nothin’ ‘bout. Now, I know y’all just witnessed my testimony minutes ago bout missin’ Harold but I ain’t ready to meet him in heaven just yet.
(WOMAN spits a pit in her bare hand.)
I’ve gotta stay alive at least until this season of America’s Got Talent is over so when I get to the Pearly Gates, I can shout who won at Harold. So, I guess someone check in on me in March after the Finale. Thank you. Amen.
END OF PLAY