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Written by Jafei Pollitt




LILA stands in an ugly bridesmaid dress. Her hair is flowy and she smells like B.O. and Lavender. A mic sits in front of her.


Hi. Hello everyone. Thank you for joining us at Grace and Tom’s wedding. As you can tell, I’m the best friend and maid of honor! For my speech I’d like to do something a little... different. As many of you know, I recently won an award for my improvised slam poetry at the menstrual crawl last month and I’d like to bring a little bit of that back. So, today I’ll be doing an improvised slam poem for one of my best friends tonight - Grace... and Tom!

Beat. LILA steps back from the mic and puts her head down. She takes a deep breath and approaches the stage again.


Marriage. Mirage. Maybe it’s all a sham. Maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Maybe, maybe maybe it’s Tom’s inability to reproduce- oops, poops, shapoopie. Living on this edge of dookie. Grace dookied in the kitchen sink - MOM, MOM. GRACE TOOK A FAT ONE IN THE KITCHEN SINK. We sit, we scream, and now she has a ring. Tom got a good one, a good one like the fish he finds all slimy. Slimy like the STD Grace gave to my boyfriend, friend, end. And through this life, she’s found a tool, tom, like a bike. Rides fast, breaks fast, fast break of the heart. NO.

Big pause. Somebody attempts to clap-



Grace confided in me, in deep waters, that finding Tom was like a dream. Dream. Team. Dream. Beam. Seam. Lean. Keen. Day dream. A waking nightmare. TOM! T for taken. O for obtuse. M for Married. Married like two waves colliding - fight!

Big pause. LILA bows. People clap hesitantly. LILA smiles like a pro.


Thank you, thank you. You can catch my next slam poetry show: Break the Penis Down at Barnes and Noble on 3rd and Steele next Friday! To Grace and Tom!

LILA raises a glass and chugs it down.


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