T.Hansen
12.24.2020
HELLth
HUMAN ONE
HELL ANGEL
HELL ANGEL
Welcome to hell.
HUMAN ONE
Wicked stupid to be here but I guess it is what it is. So, what’s the happs?
HELL ANGEL
Well, you were a glutton in your past life. It says here in my records, you used to go to Wendy’s, get a double cheeseburger no pickles-
HUMAN ONE
I hate pickles.
HELL ANGEL
Ugh, me too. And you’d get honey mustard cups-
HUMAN ONE
Well, they have the best honey mustard.
HELL ANGEL
I like the honey mustard from Hardee’s, personally.
HUMAN ONE
Oh, that’s a great one too. I always forget about Hardee’s. There wasn’t a Hardee’s near where I rented.
HELL ANGEL
BUHmmer, then it says you would drive to Chickfila-
HUMAN ONE
Lousy company, I’m aware.
HELL ANGEL
Yeah, we don’t even get behind that toxic shit.
HUMAN ONE
I thought they stopped donating to those anti-LGBTQ organizations?
HELL ANGEL
They probably still do, you can hide donations to shady operations. It’s REAL easy. HA. Did you know that one of the NRA’s largest supporters is America’s Dad, Tom Hanks?
HUMAN ONE
NO SHIT?
HELL ANGEL
You can cover up anything. So, you’d drive to Chickfila and get a large fry, then you’d go to Portillo’s get a cheese cup and chocolate cake…?
HUMAN ONE
You dip the Portillo cheese in the Chilkfila fry. Save the cake for McLater. Fuckin’ delish.
HELL ANGEL
Speaking of “Mc,” you’d get two large McDonald’s Dr.Peppers.
HUMAN ONE
I dunno what they are doing with their drinks over at MickeyD’s but uhhhhh,
HUMAN ONE & HELL ANGEL
IT’S WORKIN!
HELL ANGEL
Loved that shit when I was alive. Hate to be the bearer of bad news… but your hell is that now all of your food is gonna taste like grey goop.
HUMAN ONE
Oh...well, that's upsetting.
(Beat.)
(Beat.)
(Beat.)
Speaking of "Goop," is Gweneth down here?
HELL ANGEL
Oh, totes. Her punishment is that she just has to spend 24/7 with ordinary, run-of-the-mill, down-to-earth folks.
END OF PLAY.